Growing together: Barbara and Fred’s new adventure at New Oscott Village

Barbara moved to the ExtraCare retirement village after losing her husband ten years ago and deciding that she no longer wanted the responsibility of maintaining a house. Having visited a neighbour who already lived at the village, she had seen its busy programme of activities and the opportunities it offered. Fred, meanwhile, had lived at New Oscott since it opened 17 years prior. Both had experienced personal losses with Fred losing his wife three years ago and Barbara her husband 19 years ago. Neither Fred nor Barbara imagined that another relationship would become part of their future.

As Fred adds, “When my wife passed away, I just thought that that’s the end of the world now, you marry, you’ve got a partner, if they pass, that’s it, done and dusted and you’re on your own. I never ever thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever have another parter and neither did Barbara.”

At first, Barbara described living at the village “as though I lived in a hotel”. Gradually however, she began meeting people and getting involved in the activities and events. Her life soon filled with Tai Chi, bowls, dominoes, darts and volunteering in the large garden at the village.

The relationship with Fred grew in an unexpected place, at the village gym. A friend asked Barbara to accompany her to a gym session for moral support, and Fred, a former Army physical training instructor with a lifelong passion for weights and exercise, coached them. When her friend stopped attending, Barbara carried on. Fred continued coaching her every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and their friendship grew.

“We liked each other’s company, we laughed a lot and we joked a lot,” Barbara said. Fred described their connection: “It blossomed from there, we found it very easy together.”

Now aged 88 and approaching 89, Fred and Barbara have built an active, adventurous life together. They train together three times a week, play dominoes, bowls and darts, dance when music is on, work side by side in the village garden and have just shared their first holiday together. Fred jokes that he is the garden’s “chief mover”, while Barbara directs where everything should go. Barbara adds, “I didn’t think Fred would take to helping me in the garden, but he’s as much involved now as I am.”

Both say the relationship has changed them for the better. Barbara believes Fred came out of himself after a lonely period. Fred says Barbara has helped him calm down and become more patient. “I have always been very, very short tempered in my life.” He admits “I wasn’t very patient, but I find myself calmed down now.”

Barbara spent most of her working and family life caring for other people, including 15 years as a professional carer. Finding Fred has brought an unexpected reversal: “All of a sudden, now I’ve got Fred, it seems as though he’s looking after me.”

As for living arrangements Barbara and Fred still have separate apartments and have decided not to complicate things with marriage. Their setup gives them a simple life that works for them. They spend most of their time together, share meals and activities, and keep the independence of their own homes. Family support has mattered to the pair too. Fred’s daughter said she had not seen her father so contented for years, “They said, ‘you’ve got a life to live, dad’”. Barbara’s daughters told her, “If you’re happy, Mum, that’s all we want.”

Barbara explains how this relationship varies to their past commitments. “We had our courtship with our partners and our marriages, but this seems a totally different thing. We have a lot of laughs. Fred’s done a lot of different things he never did before since he’s been with me.”

Today, fellow residents often tell them how lovely it is to see them walking through the village holding hands. “We are happy, we enjoy each other and we don’t want to shut it away,” Barbara says.

For Fred, love at this stage of life is less about rushing and more about talking, compromise and making decisions together. “We make the decisions now, not just me or Barbara, we do,” he explained. The duo do not look too far ahead instead, they enjoy their routines, their shared interests and the time they have in the present.

Fred describes their relationship as an adventure. “It is an adventure,” he says. “It’s a whole new ball game.” Barbara believes their retirement village made that adventure possible: “If we hadn’t both been in a place like this, we probably would never have met, and we’d still be on our own.”

For some in later life fear of the unknown and of a new start can be too much, as Barbara says; “Sometimes it’s hard, people live in the past, they’ve been married, they’ve lost a partner, and you just think well that’s it. It’s easy to give up sometimes, isn’t it? But we’ve suddenly found a new lease of life.”

Barbara and Fred’s story is a reminder that grief does not close the door on happiness. With friendship, shared interests and the confidence to embrace something unexpected, love can bring a new lease of life at any age.